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David "Funken" Klein Memorial
Gangsta Limpin' Forever!

David “Funken” Klein
3/11/64 - 9/24/95

On behalf of The Bomb this page is in memory of David Klein (aka
Funken-Klein) who passed away on September 24th of 1995 after an eight
year battle with cancer. Funken-Klein worked at Def Jam & Red Alert
Productions and wrote for The Source years ago before moving from New
York to the West Coast to head up Disney's Hollywood Basic label
(Organized Konfusion, Lifers Group, Raw Fusion, and the first label to
give DJ Shadow a chance). After discontinuing his writing for The Source
Funken-Klein starting writing his “Gangsta Limpin” column for The Bomb
Hip-Hop Magazine. We always felt very fortunate to receive his
contributions which were full of wit and humor. Enclosed you will find
reprints of Mr. Klein's columns, obviously some of the material is dated
but if you are patient and read on you be able to understand a little
bit about who he was and that he was one of the few people in this
business that we call ‘hip-hop’ that knew how to remain a fan and not be
brainwashed by the media. Much respect to the man... we will miss you
and remember you always.


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #16 (February 1993)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

Booty-licious. Hey Scotty, what that mean? Who axed you??

Yeah, you know it’s that time again. Here’s the gangsta limpin/rollin
Best of ’92:
Most illinest B boy - Dookey
#1 B girl- Sheena Lester, Rap Pages
Best underground - Funky Town Pros
Worst demo - Tim Dog
Best demo- Cypress Hill “Psycho Beta”
Harshest Jack Move on BASIC- Naughty by Nature
Most lasers in a spine (6) - me
Who has the deffest G- me
Worst TV personality - Doug Llewelyn, People’s Court
Most hype- House of Pain/Sista Souljah
Most talent behind bars - Amazing G, Lifer’s Group
Best UK MC - Midrange (he sings too)
Most resembling Sugar Foot (Ohio Players) - Rockbarry
Most missed NYC restaurant - BBQ (Roscoe’s can’t phuck with it)
Most overused of rap slang - Matti “ Cypher” C. Source
Most overlooked track - Cypress “Born to get Busy”
Most fast forwarded cassette - PE
Best store to loot in the next riot - Circuit City
Best new Sat Night Live character (besides Operaman) - Orgasm Guy
Weakest mascot at the college bowl games - the Syracuse Orange

Q: who said “ c’mon shake your boom boom boom” (answer below). I
finally met the infamous Tweety Bird Loc (Par), whose name we’ve seen on
various charts. Out west here, we’re hearin a lot about Ron G’s uptown
Harlem mix tapes. Nobody sent me one for Christmas. My man Q-Tip is
buggin in a Silence of the Lambs mask in that “ Hot Sex” video. I
personally recommend the Zebra Head movie and soundtrack, but I’m in the
minority. Good job Serch. I wanna see Hoffa. West coast Breeze returns
with “ It Aint Funky No Mo” (Hollywood & Vine), owned by LA Posse’s
Dwayne/Muffla. Why are so many new rap videos shot in boxing rings?
Guess they ran out of DJs on piers. Rhino Records has Rap Declares War,
with all the rap songs that have sampled War in the past couple years.
Old school lyrical flashback, “I got the modification to alterate.”
What the hell did that mean? That new Nena Cherry single “ Money Love”
(Virgin) is kinda noisy. Now what the f*ck is PM Dawn doin on Boomerang
... singin?? It gets no SOFTer! Carmen Elektra is tryin to rap. So is
Prince. Check out a jam on the new LP called “Seven.” What’s up to Dion
from Inglewood’s First Ammendment. Recently, an LA gang was caught with
a full size missile launcher. Probably savin its debut for the Reginald
Denny verdict. The shit aint over yet.

Disney just bought a hockey team. Thought you’d like to know. They also
just added a new attraction called Toon Town at Disneyland. Next time
you’re in Hollywood, give BASIC a call a couple days ahead. Rockbarry
will take you. Bring a wheelchair and ya get to go up the exit. Is that
Ronin Ro from the Freshmen “ Who Me” (Select) writing for the Source?
Check out the uncensored Japanese footage on Luke’s new video. Caught LL
on Oprah with Robin Williams pumpin their movie “ Toys”. Infamous EMI
hypemaster Lindsey “ why you dissin me Dave” Williams finally got
married. Heard the Funky Bunch was the house band at the reception. But
seriously, congratulations to LW and Jana. The continued hype on Marky
Mark and his Funky Bunch makes me wanna fuckin puke, he should jump on
the Rob and Fab reunion tour. PM Dawn should get on it too, hosted by
John Tesh and Doug Llewelyn. Some of the recently reformed gang bangers
have started a new clothing line called G-wear. They also sell Jimmy
(baseball) hats with a condom on the side. Hollywood Palladium continues
to live up to their rep with the recent holiday dance beat down
festival. Always skanless Casual-T went to Germany and ate McDonalds.
Heard there’s a Dan Quayle museum in Indiana. Probably a lotta empty
space. You can book a reservation at the nearby luxurious Motel 6.
Pretty sure I heard Sista Dee doin voice-overs on “ Studs.” Throwin
tortillas at the Rose Parade was prohibited this year. Why? Vanillaman’s
limo broke and he supposedly called a helicopter to pick him up. Ad of
the month - B-Nice’s Wild Pitch letter in the Bomb and One Nut. (A:
Osmond Bros, “ Down By the Lazy River.” (Shadow told me... psych) OK
Tito, you got it!)


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #18 (April 1993)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

I’d like to thank all the fans up in the balcony... the deffest new
ride for 93 is called a Hummer (or Humvee)! It’s a cross between a jeep
and a tank, and is available in Beverly Hills for about $200,000. Heard
Schwartzenegger has one, and so does someone who parks by me at Disney.
Arrested Dev’s next LP is live in concert from the Ed Sullivan show, and
the JB’s are finally “Troopin On The Down Lo” (WB). Def American parked
a giant Mix-A-Lot ass (back) outside the Grammies in LA. Score one for
the Shockmaster and Charnas. Where’s my knuckles?

Shaquile O’Neil from Orlando Magic signed a deal with Jive. Did you
know Compton has its own encyclopedia. YBT added a black MC. Saw em on
Soul Train. Wack-ass Lorenzo got to do two songs, but YBT only
one...politics. Me Phi Me opened for Sade At Universal Amphitheatre. The
first couple of songs were ok, but after #8 and 9 I started to notice a
resemblance to a cross between PM Dumb and a Hari Krishna. New artist
note: short and sweet (3 songs) is always better than long and boring.
Sade kicked *ss. Sweet as cherry pie! The Bloods and Crips are “Bangin
On Wax” (Dangerous). Don’t know where to get a copy though. Caught Kriss
Kross on Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous... rapper #3.

Some dude wanted pain killers at USC Hospital, and didn't get em fast
enuf so he shot up a few docs... or could it have been “El Mariachi.” I
wanna buy Yella’s tommy gun from the latest NWA video. Buy NWA’s home
video (with special one-second appearance by photog Sue Kwon) and Luke’s
now, before they get banned. Yes, producers of the 90’s are still using
James, just a little differently. Check Mama’s Funk on Straight Up
Records, outta Melbourne, Australia. Also No Concept “Help Us We’re
Dope” on Fang.

LA’s new star radio, “NO Rap” 98.7 can kiss my butt. Yeah, no rap, no
hard rock, just bullsh*t. I heard a song on VJB that goes “I’m an
asshole, yes yes I’m an asshole...” so I made up my own offensive
response that goes a little somethin like this, I’m a scrotum a hairy
hairy scrotum. Da man Russ Lg in St. Louis said the funniest thing that
happened at last years Impact Conv was when Tom Silverman paged Mr. Bob
Dobalina on the intercom. Here’s the word of the week - “brandishing,”
as in the youths were brandishing a 9mm pistol. Now, can you say
brandishing? Did you see Mr. Rogers on Arsenio? That was one of the
first times I watched Arsenio since 06 Style and Tim Reid II were on.
Fresh Prince was on the cover of TV Guide. They call him “the next Bill

Eric “Vietam” Sadler has a new production co. called Street Element
#212-226-4002. They’re currently shoppin groups like Ooto Behavior, Punk
Barbarians, and Blue Black and Brown. What’s happening to pop? Ozzy’s
skinny, Bon Jovi cut his hair, Debbie Gibson’s sexy (??)... and rap is
kickin all their butts. LA just got a subway called Metrolink. Here are
some comments on the AMA. I’m wondering if the doc who did Mike
Jackson’s nose saved the rest in a jar or somethin. Saw Def
American/Nasty Mix’s Shockmaster Boyd chillin in the 5th row with Sir
Mix-A-Lot. Congrats to Mix-A-Lot.

Pork Butt Roast is on sale at Ralphs for 99 cents a pound, better
hurry. It was ironic to see Tipper Gore shakin her rump at the MTV
inaugural ball. Someone shouldda censored dat ass out the door... a
shooting at a LA nursing home last night is thought to be gang
related... LA has been officially declared the “Bank Robbery Capital of
The World.” They should put that as the slogan on top of license plates.
You know like Jersey is “the Garden State”... yeah right. Now LA has
Gang Bangers in the joint grooming dogs. Thank God I have a job. It’s
not only the recession the unemployed have to deal with, but they are
also subjected to endless trucking schools, asinine talk shows, and
motorcycle lawyers on p.m. TV, and what’s up with funginail?
By now you’ve heard about the Jack In The Box deaths due to a fece
bacteria (??) in hamburger meat. But my dad was at McDonalds and a
pigeon flew through the door and landed in the French Fry Vat...Does
every song now have to have a standard “shabba” breakdown? I know I said
it before and pissed a couple people off, but I’m startin to hate Reggae
again... almost more than Techno! And watch out for the latest
controversial movie from Gangsta Limp Films, follow up to “Attack of the
White Boyz With Goti’s,” called “Invasion of the Cannabinoids” not
coming to a theatre near u!


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #20 (June 1993)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

Keep it good in the hood. MF’s are gonna have to wait in line to go to
hell in L.A. Recently, 1) a mother put her baby in the freezer for 4
hours, 2) a little boy was set on fire, and 3) a young pregnant lady was
jacked at a pocket teller and stabbed in the stomach... both victims
died. Checked out highlights of the Who’s the Man premiere at the
Chinese theater in Hollywood, starring everybody included: Flav, “Can’t
do nuthin’ for ya,” Treach ripped live, Eric B and Guru packin’ serious
black steel, LONS, and Dre and Ed’s psycho commander. Saw Pooh, the new
fly DJ on VJB’s St. Ides commercials. Ed and Dre were rappin’ (??) that
night on Arsenio.

Think they shouldda convicted all the lawyers in the Rodney King trial.
Boo Yaa Tribe is in the new Janet Jackson video. Hip-hop photog Sue Kwon
is pregnant, video director Dave Perez is the father... that sly dog.
Neneh Cherry moved to Brooklyn and got mugged. You’ve heard all the
politicians’ plans for ’93, but the Funken-plan has two main steps: 1)
Teachers and cops get a raise which 2) is deducted from the unreasonable
amounts being paid to our slimy brethren in the movie and music
business. Shout out to the mentally blessed Luke Sick of Below the
Manhole, “the original hip-hop flyer.” No more rap shows at Magic
Mountain ‘cause of a mini-riot at a TLC “rap” show... well, Source said
they were. Called the Beatnuts’ 800 hotline to tell Juju he should
scratch up “ju ju baby” from Shalamar’s “Make That Move,” but the number
didn’t work... nuts!

Heard Mike Tyson is now Malik Abdul Aziz, and Zimbabwe Legit are now
Tha-Bang. Arsenio and Schwartzeneggar sponsored an ultra-mellow
anti-riot song called “Chill...” yuck! Don’t know how people get CD and
video mail packages open. There’s the 2 pieces of Styrofoam glued
together kind, the standard snug-fit box with 2 rolls of packaging tape,
and the worst, the ones with the pull-string that sprays asbestos all
over your shirt. Saw Lindsey’s man John Travolta in the hall the other
day. Also saw a TV ad during dinner time for a creme that “relieves anal
itch relief...” mmm.

Go Rockies! What the heck is this RuPaul (no relation to David Paul)
super model (Tommy Boy) nonsense... Albee? The Captain (Carasov) says
the PM yawn kid got beat-down again at a CB4 party in L.A. by his
girlfriend with a chair. Someone else said he had to do a belly-flop on
her. Shadow has a new record out, (Soul Side)... yo! Seen those new
platform sneakers yet? Saw the Prince concert at Universal. He did “Sexy
MF,” “When U Were Mine,” “Irresistable Bitch,” and other good ones.
Ready to jiz in your drawers? Polygram-Mercury has these incredible funk
collection CD’s coming out! Confunkshun, Kool & the Gang, Parliament,
Barkays, and Cameo... you know my address Jeff. Congrats to Coolio and
Crackerjacks, duespayers who just got record deals. And f*ck Mr. Magic’s
criminal ass for life. Did I see Beastie associate Rickster in the
audience on Donahue, or am I on some of that new improved sh*t? Barney

My man Chappie has a new ragga record out in Japan, Who, on Far
East/Columbia. Did you know the hottest selling record in Moscow is
“Impeach the President.” I don’t know whatzupwityou... special R.I.P.
shoutout again to NYC club/rap promoter Beasley. I saw his mom hold up
his picture on TV. Also to Pee Wee/Mandingo again, from Red Alert
prod... Source edited me last time. Pee Wee was the originator of the
Mandingo sexual encounter. I’m startin’ an alliance of labels that would
never put out some sh*t that goes, “oochie coochie la la la,” LNPSOCL
for short... damn! All Bomb readers check yourself - do you clap on the
2 and 4 beats, or 1 and 3? And now ya know.


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #21 (July/August 1993)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

R.I.P. to Subroc of KMD. And I second what B-Wade said about gettin’
what you can outta every day. You’re healthy and alive... and I know.
Guys look kinda broke -ha, ha. Duece finally got a real Daisy Dukes
video featuring the Raiderettes. Paid in full. Me and the E spent the
weekend downin’ banana splits at the Hard Rock in Vegas. I housed the
silverware. I have a new idea for a radio station: “All day, all night,
all drum solos.” I’d listen. I read that LL’s “Pink Cookies In a Plastic
Bag Being Crushed By Buildings” is about a dream he had. So here’s my
title: “Guys In Orange Suits and Helicopters Crashin’ in New Jersey.”
Geez, I just heard a techno mix of “Baby’s Got Back,” and I just came up
with titles for three Miami bass hits in five minutes: “Wave the Booty
Baby,” “Do It, Do It On Your Knees,” “Yo Puddy-Puddy Stank.” Oh well,
whatever pays the rent I guess.

Here’s a new unit of measure to replace sq. footage; how many Boo Yaas
fit in your new office? Check out the “Bound By Honor” soundtrack
(Hollywood). It’s got War, Hendrix, Isleys, James Brown, etc. If ya call
me, I’ll mail you one... vate. The new Lifers Group “Short Life of a
Gangsta/Living Proof” (BASIC) video press kit is cool too. Jimmy Jam and
Terry Lewis sampled Lifers’ “Real Deal” for Lisa Keith “Free As I Wanna
Be” (Perspective). “Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin...,” by now
you may have heard the monster truck-voice, heavy metal version of 3
Pigs by Green Jello (Zoo). Sunday-Sunday-Sunday! Watch for Gumbo,
produced by A.D.’s Speech (EMI).

The next Ultra single will be on Wild Pitch. What’s up with San
Francisco Harvey? Biz is buggin’ and singin’ “Ain’t No Stoppin Us Now,”
from his album All Samples Cleared. On the Singin’ tip, check Four Sure
(Ruffhouse) and a song called “What’s Your Number.” La, la, la. Casual T
(or should I say Tyronne White) saw someone get shot at LA’s Jamaica
House the other night. All I wanna do is zoom zoom zoom and a boom
boom... that shit is deep. Whoop, there it is. Check out the little girl
sounds of “That’s What Little Girls Are Made Of” by Raven Symone (MCA).
The dub instrumental is pretty schmoov. The To Be Cont advance
(East/West) is pretty funky too -”One On One,” “Who Do You Call.”
Atlanta’s Yall So Stupid have “Introduce Me,” “Bowl of Soul,” and “Yall”
on their album (Rowdy), exec production by Dallas Austin. “Don’t call me
negro, ‘cause my knees ain’t grown since 8th grade.” The Tribes Vibes
and Dope Beats crew are kickin’ out the “Big Beat” and “Strong Force”
overseas on radio and on vinyl, Austrian flavors Vol. 1. Rodney O & Joe
Cooley were playin’ Tijuana, Mexico on a Friday night. I was there, like
their new stuff.

Let me see if I can get something straight. There’s Silk (Elektra),
Smooth (Jive), and Silk Smooth (Chemistry), Smoov (East/West), Schmoovy
Schmoov (from DU), and wasn’t there a Silky Smooth? Let’s just hope that
Smooth B never goes solo, ‘cause it’s kinda hectic... hmm... Smooth
Ice... “Wild Thing.” Leshaun is back with “Ready or Not” (Tommy Boy).
Damn, I just saw a NYC gangsta rapper named Fat Joe chainsaw somebody in
a spot on Video Juke Box... Positive’s K’s “I Got a Man” is being used
in a Pepsi commercial. Capital Tax (MCA) have a good album. Highlights
are “Can You Dig It” and “Nottie Natural.” Atlantic dropped K-Solo and
Kwame... Harlem mixmaster Ron G did a mix tape for Epic of their ’93
roster. Reminds me, one of the large at Epic (TW) still owes me money
for some Fed Ex bills. Keep an ear out for Katch 22 and Krispy 3 (Kold
Sweat) outta UK. I told ya Boo Yaa is in Janet Jackson’s video, but
Chuck D is also on a cut called “New Agenda.” Other than that, they say
the best thing about the album is the cover. Luke’s got a new song
called “Cowards In Compton.” He calls out Dre and spits on the camera on
VJB. His new LP is Luke In the Nude.

Sinbad and T.K. Carter from Dr. Detroit bopped into my office the other
day when they heard me rockin’ the funky beat. Latifah is on Sesame St.
doin’ “That’s the Letter O,” which used to be “That’s How We Flow.” Ice
T says, “I love God, but it’s in glock that I f*ckin’ trust,” on a
mixed-up bonus track on the “I Ain’t New Ta This” 12" (Priority). The
mixed-up inst. is pumpin’. He’s also supposed to be doing one final cut
for Warner Bros. He should backmask sometin like Benny Medina drives a
Hyundai or somethin. Quest’s Ali Shaheed and Vietnam Sadler did some
production for Blue Note jazz artist Greg Osby. Saw Q-Tip rappin’ long
in Tiger’s video. I think “Big Willie” and the short “To the Maker” are
the cuts on the Run-DMC album. What’s up to Potna Deuce and tha 1 Rob G
outta Vallejo, CA on Rated Z Recordz, prod. by Jimmy Z. Overdue shout to
the producer of Red Ninja on Zoom in London. Sista Dee is in Nenah
Cherry’s video. NMS 88 (anybody goin’ this year?) champ, Mikey D, is
supposed to replace Large Prof in Main Source. Nice choice.
Heard Rick Rubin finally got Milk Dee for Def American (you’re
welcome). Hope it’s about time to get those feet wet in rap production
again. I think the slang word “fat” is just about as played out as
“fresh” and “dope.” Cypress released the single “Insane In the Brain”
from new LP (Ruffhouse). Kriss Kross is comin’ “harder” on their new
one, with a duet with Snoop Dog—the best MC according to Rockbarry. I’ll
stick with Treach and B-Real for now. I need some new potential
producer/remixer tapes at BASIC. I’d like to get a new one from Baker
Boys. Also, wish I had one of those Freestyle Fellowship vests. Where’d
those come from? Got a smokin’ Parliament box set, 1973-1980, from
Cortez at Polygram. I was told Lindsey’s mama’s name is Peabo. Also,
heard she likes to fart in the bath tub, then turn around and bite the
bubble (actually a line from the new “Posse” movie).


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #22 (September 1993)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

When I saw the NYC skyline again, it gave me a semi... I was there for
the New Music Seminar MC/DJ battles. Best MC’s were finalists
Supernatural and Mad Skills. Dread Supernatural jumped in the audience
and did an impression of Kane. Mad Skills said, “I can keep rappin’ ‘til
Biz Markie gets cute.” Other qualifiers were Ms. Slim Child, Mic
Mutilator, and Havoc. The champ DJ was 8 Ball from the Bay with his low
ridin’ Kangol who somehow, when battling a talented DJ named Rectangle,
cut up “DJ Rectangle get the f*ck out my face.” He also played Yankee
Doodle with turntables. Congrats to Supermen’s Clark Kent, Jenny, and
Ann Kristoff who hooked things up. It was kinda hard to recognize
everybody with their fresh baldies. And Serch lost 30 pounds. Coolio had
his Compton attack braids. Also in effect: Davy D, Scratch who’s
spinning for PMD, Sugarpop fresh out the Janet Jackson video, Funkmaster
Flex, Kool Keith and Ced, Dan Charnas from Def American in a smart
dinner jacket, Gucci Man pushin’ his Suave rec, Bam, Red Alert gave a
shout to me from his mom (Mama Zulu), a guy with a lizard, and a dude on
the street by the Sheraton tappin’ and singin’, “I got rhythm, I got
rhythm,” over and over.

Everybody’s “comin’ hard-core” on their new releases: Yo Yo, Lyte,
Kane, Kriss Kross... So what was all that R&B bullsh*t some of ‘em were
doin’ for the past couple of years? To me, comin’ hard-core is comin’
old school with a new flavor. Let’s see somebody comin’ like that. The
label that’s really comin’ hard-core is Polygram with all the old Funk
Essentials... And if ya haven’t yet, check the South Central soundtrack.
What’s up to a rap crew in Folsom prison who sent me a letter called the
Criminals and wanna make a record. 3 smilin’ 18-year old faces came,
smiled their way in my office the other day... “We wanna be A&R men.” No
ya don’t. I schooled ‘em on red tape and so-called “hits.” “Do ya get
paid a lot?” Mm hmm. Russia just got MTV. Wonder what they think of all
the booty shakin’ videos. We don’t accept mail with Elvis stamps.
I finally bought Rodney O and Joe Cooley’s album Fuck New York
(Psychotic)... funky ass loops and bass almost all the way thru. DJP
kicked ass puttin’ together a helluva Poetic Justice soundtrack (Epic).
Naughty By Nature shouts out to Lifer’s Group, and Nice & Smooth are
“above competition like a numerator.” Akinyele may have a weird name,
but he also has a deep voice and good album (Atlantic) produced by Large
Prof, a cut called “The Bomb,” and “I Luh Hur.” Saw an ad for the album
called Vagina Diner. Got a package from J-Def the Monk of Funk, of
Together With Style clothing. Now I’m tryin’ to get History of Funk Vol.
1-5 (Rhino). Evelyn King and Rose Royce just played the Palace in
Hollywood. War, Dazz Band, and the Barkays played a couple of weeks
later. Organized Konfusion and Q-Tip just did a single for O.K.’s long
awaited upcoming 2’nd album. Blacks Sheep are producing two new groups:
Legion and Emage. Lawnge has a baldy, and Dres has Ike Turner sideburns.
Looks like Hollywood’s gonna be puttin’ out Ike’s back catalog.
QUEST FOR THE STOOPID. ‘Scuse me while I go off again... Daisey Dukes,
Rump Shaker, Whoot There It Is, Doo Doo Brown. The s*t’s all doo doo
brown if ya ask me. I’m in a marketing meeting recently. One of my A&R
guys is sooped that we may have a chance to sign the Whoot LP. Whoopee.
My radio and retail guys have been whinin’ for months that we need some
of that. Meanwhile, our video dude is tryin’ to explain why Video
Jukebox might not have room to add the Lifer’s Group because another
work that booty came out. Kinda funny how we were all laughin’ at a demo
with the line “booty, booty wave around” from some frat guys a few
months ago. Probably shoulda signed it... not. And wasn’t that one of
our main beefs with Vanilla and Hammer? The A&R guy’s got Mr. Mixx, who
has progressed to more of a hard production style, goin’ in the studio
with instructions to make some ole booty bass. Are we in the dark ages
of rap? What up?? PLG labels get the award for the most dept. heads of
rap: Brian, Lindsey, Dave, Walter, Harry... Did I miss anybody? Green
Jello got sued, now they’re Green Jelly. Celeb sighting of the week...
Avery Schreiber and the Fonz.

Tell ‘em who the f*ck I am... DJ Shadow. Shock G and Billboard’s Mike
Nixon get the ‘fro of the week award. Tony Toni Tone say, “My
ex-girlfriend is a ho,” on their latest album (Polygram)... and you can
new jack schwing on my nuts. Talked to my main Jungle Bro Sammy B the
other day live and direct from London, on their way to Amsterdam... home
of the Buddah blessed coffee houses and the infamous red light district.
I think Daddy O left his wallet down there. My jimmy weighs a ton. Check
out new Baker Boyz productions Whooliganz and Volume 10
(Immortal/Rowdy). Chew on this, Rupaul is Wilt Chamberlain with a wig. I
might change my name to Shazam... psych. Is it me, or are a lot of the
new jack rappers all startin’ to sound the siggity-siggity same? As rap
fans and/or industry scum, let’s not be afraid to try some new sh*t.
Most college/alternative DJ’s with open minds do not fit my scum
classification. We just signed somethin’ f.y.a. Wait and see, or call
Rockbarry for an intro tape.

New sh*t—I like that second guy in the Souls of Mischief (Jive). One of
‘em has an o.k. hoodie on. Big is partyin’ and bullsh*t (Uptown).
Nemisis has the serious system on the cover of their Temple of Boom
album (Profile). But my LP’s warped. A couple new hip-hop rags worth
checkin’ out (after yav read the Bomb)—Props outta Vancouver, and Fly
Paper outta Chicago. What do you get if you cross Cash Money with PM
Dawn? F*ck if I know... a DJ break version of “Die Without You?” “My
psychic guided me to one of the best fishin’ trips we’ve ever had.”
Remember, Gangsta Limpin is the big ticket for the 9-tre.


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #23 (October 1993)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

Funk... funk... funkaay! I was very honored to see a photo of Jazzy
Jay, a rap legend, in his studio with a BASIC Darlene poster on the
wall. The Pope came to Denver. I forgot to tell him I moved in ’82. “I’m
hooked on gin and tonics like yo’ mama’s hooked on phonics”-Alkaholiks.
Check out King Tee’s production for the Alkaholiks-”Make Room” (RCA) -
with a bartender beatdown breakdown... Last call for alcohol. Taught my
doberman to break dance. Nat Robinson Sr., founder of First Priority and
pops to Milk, Giz and Lyte, stopped by the BASIC office and was
surprised to see a picture of himself and the crew in Copenhagen on the
wall of fame. Best Digable Planets jam (remix?) is “Nickle Bags”
(Elektra). Also, drop a needle on Da Youngstas’ “Iz U Wit Me”
(East/West). Rumor is Dr. Dre is adding Rakim to his Death Row roster.
Imagine Rakim rhymin’ on a Dre beat... Saw some R-A-W footage of Money B
(or was that Casual-T) and Shock G from the new Digital Underground
video, “Return of the Crazy One”... XX at least! My virgin eyes were
scarred for life. Heard a unique new LONS B-side called “Connections”
(Elektra); also, Mad Flava’s “Shadz of Lingo (interlude)” featuring and
produced by Erick Sermon.

Head bangers, Helmet and House of Pain, did a jam together called “Just
Another Victim” (Immortal). Don’t miss the “T-Ray Devil Worship” mix.
Also on the metal fusion tip is the Onyx “Slam” (Bionyx mix). Whoever
wrote the recent (Def) American famous funerals postcard campaign,
especially the last one, is a genius. “If it’s defined in Webster’s
(‘def’), it’s time to move on.” Hope “representin’” is the next term to
die. From one of LA’s most long lasting Hip-Hop/soul clubs comes Brass
“Live Mix” (Brass), a new label; and this mix tape, featuring DJs O,
Marques, etc., kicks things off. Just like bein’ there (w/o the models
doin’ lines in the bathroom). Got a visit last week from Baker Boy Eric
and Shock G’s homies, the Dungeon Squad. X-Fat Boy Prince Markie Dee’s
video, “Something Special,” is packin’ nuff booty. Culture Freedom kicks
off the PRT ragga single, “Da Rill Sh*t,” eh. If you’ve been watchin’
videos lately, everybody’s pretending to be in prison again... The
truth’s on “Jack U Back.” Sample This (Elektra) says, “We know you wanna
sample this.” Check out the phone humor of the Jerky Boys (Select).
“Retro” schmetro... If it’s got a pumpin’ live bassline, it’s still
funk. Respect to Rowdy records who put out Muzza Chunka on 7-inch green
vinyl. Oo-wee. Prince is puttin’ out a double greatest hits this month.
Caught a preview of the first Snoop Dogg single. Dre samples “Atomic
Dog.” I saw Menace II Society when I was in NYC. Real good. Keep an eye
on the Hughes Bros. Their first music video, by the way, was Raw
Fusion’s “Throw Your Hands In the Air.” The consensus seems to be the
Poetic Justice movie sucks. Buy the soundtrack. Stet’s recording a new
album, and Fruitkwan is back. Fox just finished “Street Jams,” hosted by
Rosie Perez... Not that HBO thing. A guy named Ken G from the “How Can I
Be Down Hip-Hop Conference” in Miami in Sept. called me. Well, I have
one suggestion how you can be down... Don’t call me FunkenSTEEN.
Shadow’s currently on a coast-to-coast beats search. Keep an eye out for
Terri and Monica on Epic. Robocop 3 is coming.

Whose feet are on the cover of Tommy Boy’s “Summer Toe Jam.”
Unconfirmed rumor is Latifah might be leaving Tommy Boy right as her TV
show, “Living Single,” hits (??). It’s disappointing when even artists
like De La Soul start sounding like everybody else. And group names
startin’ to sound the same: mad this, phat that, flava this, dogg that.
Hey, rock the house, Bam, let’s turn it out. Try Vertical Hold’s “Seems
You’re Much Too Busy “ and “Can’t Go Wrong” (A&M). Rhyme Syndicate has a
girl named Grip. Attention DJs (radio/street) who think they’re nice:
send Gangsta Limpin a tape and I’ll give you some publicity. Who do you
call when you need a little hype. I heard some MF rappin’ straight over
EWF’s “Let’s Groove” with a house beat behind it... Kingpin I think.
Yuck. I hope EWF taxed him. Dookey’s a certified nut, that’s why he’s my
home skillet. Be careful where you point that “bustduster.” Can’t
believe Duran Duran, Boy George, and Rod Stewart all made comebacks. Is
Donna Summer next? Luke Sick needs a job. Man, OK’s new sh*t is hype!
Their long awaited album will be called Stress. I’m lookin’ to adopt a
bulldog (not pit). If ya know of one that needs a home and likes rap,
drop me a line. Shouts to producers Sleek and Al Eaton. Forgot to tell
ya last time, but the Fonz (Henry Winkler) said he wants to trade jobs
with me for a week. Heeeey. But you don’t hear me dough...


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #24 (November 1993)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

Boom, boom, boom with the bop gun. Message to the media: leave Mike
Jackson alone. Ice T gets larger as he plays a homeless man in the
upcoming Surviving the Game movie and does his own stunts. Roc plays the
villain. Ice has also got a book coming out called The Ice Opinion. T La
Rock and Funkmaster Flex redid “It’s Yours 93.” Onyx and Biohazard go
nuts on their “Slam” collaboration. And check the Judgement Night
soundtrack (Epic). That’s some new shit. Capitol dropped Hammer.
Latifah’s goin’ to Motown. Yo-Yo & Cube’s “Bonnie & Clyde Theme”
(East/West) thumps. “Hangin With Mr. Cooper” dropped the hype En Vogue
theme song for some James Brown imitation. What’s up to noontime music
artists Divine-Enivid and Born Immac outta Atlanta. Envid’s got
“Shakedown” and “Whuts Tha Flava, Neighba,” and Immac is kickin’ “Real
Conversation (Fo’ Your Ass).” They’re both lookin’ for deals (404)
365-2902. Tupac, who was just on “In Living Color” (I just started
watching it again), has a movie called Above the Rim. Big star. Lyrical
geniuses Organized Konfusion are in the office as I type. They’re ready
to release their new album Stress: The Extinction Agenda.

Japan’s Kan Takagi and SDP did work on “Long Island Wilin” from De La
Soul’s new album. Two records to own this week are Mista Grimm (produced
by Dre’s bro Warren G) and Alkaholiks, maybe Wu-Tang’s “Method Man” too.
Erick Sermon is singin’ in the shower (I only beat box), “Stay Real”
(Def Jam). Heard EPMD might be gettin’ back together already. So is
anyone goin’ for this “brimless” baseball hat look? Worms have been
comin’ out of some of the faucets connected to the Hollywood reservoir.
Kool Moe Dee hosts “Rhythm & Jams” that teaches kids about music by
breakin’ popular videos down to beat patterns etc., Saturday mornings on
ABC. Priority got the rights to Parliament/Funkadelic “One Nation Under
A Groove,” “Uncle Jam Wants You,” Hardcore Jollies,” one of my favorites
“Electric Spanking of War Babies,” and then albums by Bootsy and George
Clinton. I hope they got the “Live In Houston” video. This month’s
choice for lyrical genius include a new one from Dred Scott called “Yeah
Yeah (Nuttin’ Ta Lose),” Voices’ “Yeah Yeah Yeah,” and 357 oldie “Yeah
Yeah Yeah.” Word is responses are in the works... no, no, no.

So now Shaft eats at Burger King. Hi-C’s drinkin’ a 40 under water in
his “Got It Like That” video (Skanless). Request it on the Box. Plenty
hoochie mamas. We’re bumpin’ booties, havin’ us a ball y’all. Nestle
Crunch has a rap candy bar. King T and Ice Cube don’t put “A hoe B4 A
Homie” (Capitol) from J.C.’s BUST A CAPitol IN YOUR cASSette. Another
B-side they forgot on the new Prince collection is “Horny Pony,” the
back of “Gett Off.” Did ya catch Cash Money DJin for PM Yawn on Soul
Train? He looked a little embarrassed. Whatever happened to the Black
girl in Vanity 6 (Susan Moonsie—thanks Tim II). And why were they called
6 when there were only three of them... Makes ya say hmm. Tag Team’s
“Whoot” sounded worse live at the Apollo than it does on the radio every
3’rd song (all 3 versions). Don’t like the new Kriss Kross single “All
Right,” guess why... wheeel out. 3 movies to see if you haven’t yet:
Rising Sun, Fugitive, and Line of Fire. Congrats on the jobs Dookey and

Y’all in the h-h-house or what? Shouldda been there, but I wasn’t
damnit! Late reports from the (Def) American name change ceremonies are
almost unbelievable. First, a New Orleans style procession to a
Hollywood cemetery where a plot was purchased with a head stone that
read “Def.” Packed in at the after party: Kiss, all the American acts,
and that Hollywood madame bee-yatch. Guess ya can’t f*ck wit (Def)
American. However, I still can f*ck with Charnas and the Shockmaster who
still owe me some ass-bray uckles-knay! I guess producer Jermaine Dupri
wasn’t there either ‘cause he just named his label “So So Def.” I
remember him when he used to dance on Freshfest. Why when girls leave
the house to go somewhere, wherever (swap meet, dog shelter), is it
necessary to change outfits 3X?

Question two: who kicked this classic
line 2 years ago? “Uh, uh-uh.”
A: Busta Rhymes in “Scenario.”

Beware of the X! Steve Martin walked by my office this week. How ‘bout
everybody lay off “Funky Worm” sample for a couple of weeks. Angie Stone
from Vertical Hold used to be in the Sugarhill group Sequence... “gonna
funk you right on up.” Barkays are puttin’ out a new funk album. Duran
Duran, ABBA and Meatloaf still suck. Kill my landlord... I’d rather jack
my mortgage rep.

Def 10
10. Spin Doctors
9. Mista Grimm
8. Digable Planets
7. To Be Cont
6. Arrested Dev
5. Tony Toni Tone
4. Cypress Hill
3. Treach
2. Rage Against the Machine
1. Shadow & Groove Assassins


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #25 (December 1993)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

Like Boo-Yaa, I’m strong... I just picked up the BASIC line, and some
guy goes, “May I speak to, uh...” Then I think he died or something.
Quest supposedly has three different color album covers for Midnight
Marauders, but the Capt. would not confirm. Lotsa heads. Look for Monche
& Poetry, skinny Serch and Cold Crush, much more. Capt. would confirm
that Mike D has a new magazine called “Grand Royal.” By the way, Capt.
(kinda one of my industry heros) says he’s “got more beefs than Jack in
the Box got shit burgers.” Organized Konfusion’s main organizm, O.C.
(“Fudge Pudge”), is shoppin’ a deal. Happy 10’th anniversary to Red
Alert. The poo-poo juice is in the mail. And a shout to Mama Zulu. I’m
fine, thanks. The Universal Zulu Nation celebrated its 19’th anniversary
Nov. 12-14. There is also talk of reunions of the Soulsonic Force and
Furious Five. Also, Doug E Fresh and Slick Rick, now that Rick’s on
work-release. Doug is on Gee St. now. “You got beef, I got steak
knives.” Kranky has the fly green cassette (Devil Juice). Remember Slick
Rick’s fly green socks? Coolio’s the baddest MF on the Box right now.
DJP (or is it Mista Large now) plays a cop. RHYTHMX, the “Mental
Oriental,” is the deffest demo (A-side) from Fairfield, CA. Colored
vinyl. Volume 10, “Pistolgrip,” (Immortal) is on red vinyl; Whooliganz
(Tommy Boy) are on yellow. Wish I had my own copies... Another whattup
to Richmond, VA.’s Mad Skills (from NMS). Watch out for “rappin’”
stuffed X-mas trees and a cheap perfume they’re callin’ “Rap Musk.”I
just saw ’em at the drug store. There’s a used record store around my
way that’s askin’ $20 for a Body Count advance cassette. Better hurry

Flavor Flav was just in the studio with Last Poet Umar Bin Hassan.
Rappers on Ninjas. Flav, Daddy O, and Latifah seem to be into the new
MCs with expensive motorcycles thing. Faith No More/Boo-Yaa’s “Another
Body Murdered” video is smokin’. Too bad it ain’t ours. Wish Adrian
would send me one. US3 “Cantaloop” (Capitol) has a horn section. Props
to Ms. Brea from L.A.’s Hiphopera. A Cypress Hill copy group in London
called the Brotherhood has a song called
“Imightsmokeaspliffbutiwontsniff.” If you’re ever real bored in the
office and have access to a wheelchair (a skateboard might work), get
some of that bubble pack and lay it across a quiet hallway. Back up near
the end of the hallway and burn rubber over the plastic bubbles... It
sounds kinda like a drive-by. Corporate heads’ll be poppin’ outta all
the doorways. Check out “Wheee” or the beat before it on DU’s Body Hat
CD (Tommy Boy). Def Jef is on new records by Shaquille (Jive) and Boss.
He’s also layin’ down some nice beats. Think I’m gonna have to leave
Robocop 3 alone. It’s not the original actor (Paul Weller), and he’s
fightin’ some corny ninjas in the commercial. If ya got time, check
Touchtone’s Nightmare Before Christmas. Too much singin’, but the
visuals are def.

Congrats to Special K of Awesome 2 who just had a baby girl. Label
changes... Latifah’s “U.N.I.T.Y.” (Motown) and and Ren “Same Ol Sh*t”
(Ruthless/Relativity) are out now. Latifah looks great in the video. I
had an old-school lunch with Donald D (B-boys/Syndicate). He told me
Grandmixer DST has a new group called Third Eye that was on the Who’s
the Man soundtrack. Random shouts/props to Stretch whose homie John
works down the hall from me with Emilio Estevez. Also, Magic Juan
(E-Legit) with the bad-ass stickers. Snoop should get in touch with that
African Denny defense lawyer. Shadow called to check in and said he’s
still gettin’ calls from Europe from DJs playin’ his Zimbabwe Legit mix.
Shadow’s also got a graffiti pic disc comin’ out. Beware the BASIC
sampler II. Well, Chevy’s show is already outta there, now they just
gotta bury that Conin MF on NBC. He’s mega-weak. Big buzz on Wu-Tang’s
LP. Gangstas, D.R.S., are singin’ “Gangsta Lean” (Capitol). That candy
snot is gettin’ popular.

I got one (and only one) beef with all these funk compilations comin’
out: they all have the same songs. What about songs like “Swoop,” “Get
the Funk Outta Ma Face,” and “Aqua Boogie” etc.? Anyway, if Michael
Jordan’s retirement increases the value of some models of Air Jordans,
Mellow Man’s collection of Conner’s should be worth a pretty penny when
he retires. I think I still have some David Thompson’s at my mom’s house
in Denver. This just in... Rockbarry brings the report from Las Vegas
where Hi-C ripped a show with Ed O.G. and Masta Ace right before the
Vegas gangstas tore the place up. Somebody send Dookey some paper. He
sends his prose out now on the back of Mica Paris glossies. What up to
DJ Toast, one of the “angriest men in Hip-Hop” (518 Report), from WRPI’s
DJ Round Table in Troy. 007 Sean Connery was in the BASIC house the
other day. So was Rob “makin’ copies” Schneider. Tim II saw the original
Bozo the Clown in the lobby talkin’ on the phone to his manager, Morty.
Color Me Bad goes to jail in their new video. I wish they would. Word is
Cube produced the video. I think the world is coming to an end.
Everything’s burnin’ up out here, and Meatloaf and the Bee Gees are back
on the charts... Here’s one: Yo’ momma is so dumb she climbed a tree to
become branch manager. FREE FLAVOR FLAV.


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #26 (January 1994)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

Happy happy joy joy... live from EPCOT Center. BASIC news for ’94 has
Large Professor remixing Organized Konfusion’s first single, “Stress,”
scheduled for February. In ’93, people were “jump”in, but in ’94,
everybody’s “bounce”in. OK has done their own updated remix of “Bounce”
with Q-Tip, and Shock G is workin’ on “Why.” Money B and Fuze will drop
“Freaky Note (Money B Wants to Do Ya)” b/w “Glock’ll-Doodle-Doo” from
the Raw Fusion album, Hoochified Funk. Lords of Brooklyn (Mike Caves?)
have a graffiti store (in Brooklyn) called BMT Lines with an R train
inside. That’s some hype sh*t! I need more info. Ice T played a cop,
Tone Loc played a cowboy, and now Fresh Prince is playin’ a gay con man
in a movie called 6 Degrees. DJ Jazzy Jeff goes MC for a minute at the
end of their video, “I’m goin’ on a boat/Surely hope it stays
afloat/’cause if I drown/I might die/No more burgers and no more fries.”
DNA from San Jose sent me tapes 3-5 of the Flavor Project hard-core
Hip-Hop mix tapes. For info, (408) 274-5072 extension 808. South Central
Cartel (Def Jam West), war braids and all, still got it goin’ on. My man
Daddy O has a cut on his album called “Bass Knotts...” Scared me for a
sec. Try “East Coast Funk” (Island).

The next Public Enemy album is called Music Is the Mess-Age. O.G. Kool
G Rap is “On the Run” (Cold Chillin’). Doug E. Fresh is back again, and
this time he’s “Ah-ight” (Gee St.), with fresh out the joint partner
Slick Rick in the video. “With your wrinkled p*ssy, I can’t be your
lover.” Was that Dana Dane’s (Rick’s old school partner in the Kangol
Crew) name I saw on the Rap-A-Lot ’94 roster? Former NYC MC, Masta Ace,
has much low ridin’ and L.A. booties in his “Born to Roll” video
(Delicious Vinyl). Boo-Yaa’s got a live track called “Fam Bam” on the
alternative NRG Green Peace album (Hollywood), recorded using solar
energy. Does everybody’s records from Luke come thru the mail all
mangled? Seems to me, two of my favorite funky artists, George Clinton
and Prince, are trying to be current and rap more or less. It ain’t
workin’. Future Shadow (??) Sarasota DJ Pork sent me his Majestic Mix
tape. He says he just got 1200’s and already DJ’ed three parties but
doesn’t like Bomb writer Dave Tompkins ’cause he doesn’t return calls.
C’mon Dave. Is Hammer’s new single really called “It’s All Over”
(Giant)? B-Real is the judge in Ice Cube’s “Really Doe” video. The
B-side beat of the 12 inch, “My Skin Is Sin” (featuring K-Dee), thumps.
Big bass Nemesis, with Ron C, “Cantfiguritout” (Profile).

Tommy Boy put together Planet Rap, featuring a lot of my international
rap homies. I’ll be surprised if it sells, but Tommy Boy gets much
respect for their creativity. I like MVP (Canada) and Prophets of the
City (South Africa). I also like the production on Jeru the Damaja
(huh?), currently on the PLG phat jeep beats sampler. “My style’s more
fatal than second hand smoke.” Lindsey didn’t send me one, so I had to
borrow T’s. American illin’. My favorite rap label name is Gub-Ment
Cheese (Ill Labels), featuring Kwest on green vinyl—oh yeah. Spin did a
“butts per minute” rating on some current video, including Salt-N-Pepa’s
“Shoop” (20), Duice (20), D.U.’s “Crazy One” (15), and DBG’s “Body Like
A M.F.” (5). Somebody told me that Positive K (“the gentleman, the
rapper”) is also the female voice on his hit, “I Got A Man.” Kinda hard
to believe. Toni Tony Tone ripped it on Saturday Night Live. HBO’s
workin’ on a cable movie about legendary Scott LaRock.

I like Spike Lee’s new “Crooklyn” shirt designs. the jerseys are 65
bones. Tower of Power is makin’ a comeback on Epic. Phil Collins went
out like the nine-tre on the Billboard Music Awards. Illegal? I got a
call from a guy shoppin’ a one-legged MC who does flips. I gave him
DJP’s number. Rumors have surfaced that Tim II has been spotted as a
cast member of the Disneyland Alladin parade. Some of the same sources
say Rockbarry has been standing in for Sugarfoot at occasional Ohio
Players’ performances. Miles Lasalle likes his jazz LOUD... gimme 5.
Scuse me, which aisle is the spray-on snow? Wet ’em.


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #27 (February 1994)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

Wrestle ya. I missed the L.A. quake March 17 ’cause I was at the stock
show, Denver. Got back in time for all the after shocks, the same day
President Clinton’s plane landed at the Burbank airport. The BASIC doggy
dog was flippin’. Also got a chance to stop by the alma mater, CU
Boulder, and the new mountain casinos in Central City. Short life.
BASIC’s deepest condolences go out to the friends and family of
19-year-old rap talent Charizma who was recently shot and killed. Treach
is livin’ large in the Salt-N-Peppa/En Vogue video, “Whatta Man” (Next
Plateau). Wanna-be rap censors: Isn’t saying something like Ice T’s
“let’sgetbuttnakedandf*ck” just sort of an extension of old-time
Hollywood’s Mae West’s “whydon’tyoucomeupanseeme-sometime”?
Well... could someone from Nervous introduce themselves and send me the
Funkmaster Flex 12s. Muggs has remixed Big Blunts, featuring B-Real
(Tommy Boy). DJ Premier produced that slammin’ track “Come Clean” for
Jeru the Damaja (PLG). The Red Hot Chili Peppers were “Playin” With the
P-Funk” on the Grammy special. The lady Lauryn Hill from the Fugees
“Boof Baf”/“Blunted” (Ruffhouse/Columbia) is one of the stars of Sister
Act 2. Heard Serch is doin’ the A&R at Wild Pitch now. And Amanda Scheer
is managing Rakim?? Eric B is managing Kool G Rap.

Rick James just had his jail sentence reduced to nine months. And the
Pointer Sisters iz still ugly. Positive K gets with Beavis & Butthead in
“Come to Butthead” (Geffen) where they bum rush Run-DMC’s tour bus.
Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra is kickin’ live and freestyle again “Just A
Little Bit of Your Soul” (Epic/Japan). Nice & Smooth must be payin’ some
rent with their appearance on New Kids On the Block. House Party 3??
Were the first two that good? Biz has “Why Is Everybody Pickin’ Boogers
On Me” (Cold Chillin’). Tag Team is doin’ the new Adams Family theme
(PLG). Yaay. The Bay’s Black/Jewish Marginal Prophets are droppin’ a
12", “Like This/Gunz & Money.” For a free one call (415) 241-8881. Tim
II was chillin’ with Isaac Hayes recently at the Disney commissary. A
couple weeks later, he was seen rollin’ with Morris Day and Jerome
Benton of the Time. Oh yeess. Hi-C has a new “What’s Goin’ On” remix
(Hollywood). B-Real and Sen Dog from Cypress Hill were special guests on
the “Culture Clash Latino Comedy Show” on Fox-T.V. The Buffalo Bills vs.
Dallas Cowboys... Does anybody really care who wins that one? Go

Orlando sent me the bikini edit video of Masta Ace “Born to Roll”
(Delicious Vinyl). Oops there it was. Don’t miss a new 7 inch vinyl
promo from Hard 2 Obtain (Atlantic). Congrats to BASIC survivor
Rockbarry (former wine salesman) who is off to head the A&M rap
department. Nardone’s doin’ A&R at Profile. Good Luck. Dusted Dookey’s
doin’ some writing for the SF Weekly. He says Shaq should stay off the
mic. Hope to see y’all industry scum at Gavin in February. I’ll be
passin’ out Raw Fusion “Freaky Note (Money B Wants To Do Ya)” BASIC
Valentines. The E gave me a 70s Coke machine (12 oz bottles) for X-Mas.
I wanna find the punks who keep requesting Abba and Kate Bush on the
Box. As usual, the bozack goes to all the big shots who didn’t have time
to sign their industry holiday cards.


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #28 (March 1994)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

I was in my office the other day eatin ding dongs with an angel
blade... so who says gangsta rap doesn’t have a positive message,
“rollin down the street smokin indo sippin on gin and juice.” Just back
from Gavin 94. Here’s who was chillin at the Westin (if ya go to S.F.
stay at the Hilton) hotel: Eric B, Black Moon, Melle Plowden from
WAMO-Pittsburg, Shyheim, Milk Dee and his dad, Money B’s dad Bobby, Nice
& Smooth, Eazy, Nefertitti, The Poetess, Kurious Jorge, Red Alert (peace
to Mama Zulu), and the new major label exec Rockbarry in black leather
frontin a cellular. Treach is in TX filming a movie called “Jason
Lyric.” Lotta stars with a lotta guns in the Hollywood picts western
“Tombstone.” Fuze and Money B were at the office hypin me on the
down-south style of E-40 from Vallejo. Got a call from the infamous
Strong Island studio legend and d.j. Johnny Juice (Kings of Pressure/
Public Enemy). He’s workin on solo material with LONS Charlie Brown. If
you haven’t had a chance to make it by the swap meet lately, the next
best thing may be a new compilation on Thump Records called “Old
School.” Thump are the ones who do the Lowrider Magazine tapes. There
are, however, a couple of serious dud tracks! Word has it that if
Michael Jordan doesn’t make the cut on the White Sox minor league team
he’ll be pairing up with Tonya Harding for the doubles skating comp in
Lilliham. I just like this guys name: JT the Bigga Figga (Fogtown
Ent./Get Low Rec.). Wes Snipes new movie “Sugarhill” looks like it’s
gonna be good.

Most hockey players are named Gui. Bruce Willis’ newest kid is named
Tellulabelle. Tonya Harding’s (aaah) ex-husband’s name is Galooli. Ex-
Boo Yaa EKA called to tell me about a group he and his Cemetary Slaves
are doin called Wolf Pak (BMG Publishing). The Vibe Magazine comp CD is
kinda schmoov. The wikki-wikki guys Newcleus have a new album 10 years
later called “The Next Generation” (Homebass 803-556-0303). NBC news is
selling the best of the quake video for $19.95. hmm. ALT’s “All Night
Long” combines Mary Jane Girls with Sucker MCs. Warner Bros. commisary
bit it in the quake. Heard some positive hype on an MC Eazy’s got called
Drester. O.G. Tommy Boy TKA member Kayel (we used to work in the mail
room together) is now K7 “Zunga Zeng.” The Godfather James Brown
recently visited Mike Tyson in Indianapolis prison. Vanilla Ice is
Rollin Em Up (his dreads?), with his A&R man Dave Gossett by his side.
Peace to Doug from 411. and if you didn’t know, Charnas is da man. Don’t
ask why? Can’t forget Ern $ who helped me replace some of my Rapmasters
CDs that bit it in the aftershocks. Scratch up the beat go off go off.
Domino’s best jams are “Long Beach Thing” and “Raincoat.” Mac Mall’s got
some boomin bass “Sic Wit Tis” (YBB). Dookey sent it to me. No t-shirt.

Hip-Hop hairdoos of the week: Snoop in “Gin & Juice” (jammies too), and
Kurious’ DJ. Prince’s Paisley Park Records officially closed Feb. 3. On
the Funky Worm tip, heard Lindsey likes Hammer’s zebra-striped speedos
in the new “pumps & bumps” video (Giant). The remote waterfall ain’t no
joke. Tim II pointed out Bay DJ Davey D is also in the video (bike hat
in effect). Thanks for the pick hit homie. I’m still trying to figure
out what record Dave Tompkins was talkin about Bambaataa “Death Mix”
(Paul Winley)... make me a tape home skillet! The used record store
ain’t even havin the second Kriss Kross album. Not so def. Best line
from Mrs. Doubtfire after she beans Pierce Broznin with a lime in the
back of the head, “Oooh, looks like a walk-by fruiting.” Bo Jackson’s
gonna play baseball for the CA Angels.The Mighty Ducks may be headed for
a playoff spot in their inaugaral year. Don’t bother pickin up Adam
Sandlers comedy tape (WB). Just watch Opera Man on Saturday Night.
Jackson family honors will be followed by Menendez family values. Enuff
JG stickers already! Remember, Vanilla Ice “does not advocate smoking
marijuana” ... roll em up. I was waitin for a table at a restaurant the
other night when they called “Stone, party of two.” I said, “Hey Yo,
that’s me dude!”


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #30 (May 1994)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

Ribs USA is the place to be Tuesdays in Burbank. Two dollars for all
the BBQ chicken wings you can eat. Kickin’ Motown and Earth, Wind and
Fire. The “wrestle ya” guy from the Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials
was in the house last Tuesday. Happy B-day to Flavor Flav March 16 and
to Latifah the 18’th. No more foot prints for quest—Ali and Q are
drivin’ new BMWs (I’d rather have a Vette), and Phife is buyin’ a house
(you can have mine; the mortgage is killin’ me). Following a couple weak
award show performances, Snoop redeemed himself at the Soul Train Awards
with Dre hittin’ switches in his 6-4 lowrider. Snoop was wearing an AIDS
awareness pin, Dre wasn’t. The on-stage Onyx commotion looked staged. De
La Soul is down with rap veterans Grandmaster Caz, Tito, Whipper Whip
and LA Sunshine, aka “the Kings of Kingsley,” the Hollywood street where
most of ’em lived (along with myself, Alladin and Cypress Hill), on
“Stix and Stonz” (Tommy Boy). Check the Mad Flava “Bump Ya Head”
(Priority) video with the solo DJ breakdown from U.S. DMC ’90 champion,
Baby G. MC looks like Willer. My man Plasticman and two other def DJs
are gettin’ paid on a new Coke commercial. It was kinda nice to see
Digable Planets get a grammy. I’m gettin’ internationally sweated for an
Organized Konfusion advance. As is often the story these days, there are
still two samples left to clear. The video for the first single,
“Stress,” was shot in Lake Tahoe.

After seeing the movie, I take back my recommendation for Wesley
Snipes’ new movie, Sugarhill. Zzzz. But Touchstone’s got one comin’ out
called Ink Blot about the ’70s that might work. Bring your pick. The
Beasties next album is called Ill Communication (Grand Royal/Capitol).
The album Cube and Dre are doin’ is called Helter Skelter. Luke is
starting a porno mag called Scandalous. Red Alert put together
Propmaster Dancehall Show for Epic. Before they’re gone, grab a Soul
Train velvet cover three-CD greatest hits collection (Rhino). Three
versions of the theme song. Serch’s first signing for Wild Pitch is
organism O. Cee. Good choice. Check out Tim Reid’s new show, “Sister
Sister,” on ABC. Good TV. Leshaun is now managed by New York Knick,
Charles Oakley. Remember when the word “prophylactic” was censored from
Quest’s “Bonita Applebaum”? Now the words “bitch” and “ho” have been
yanked from Latifah’s “U.N.I.T.Y.” Haven’t got the record yet, but the
original Treacherous Three are back with Old School Flava and the single
“Feel the New Heartbeat” (Wrap). Look for Kurtis Blow’s greatest hits
coming this summer. Did you know Coolio used to be a fireman? I read it
in Flavor. What up Cookiehead? What’s a henley?

Got a demo from Stezo—“It’s My Turn” (formerly on Sleeping Bag)—who’s
on a label outta Connecticut called Funktown, with “I Get Lifted.” 2Pac,
Raw Fusion and the DU mob combine forces on “Whassup Wit’ the Love”
(Tommy Boy). Jodeci is “Feenin” with Snoop. Haven’t seen my Hip-Hop
homies Dookey and Shadow for a while. Where ya at? Peep O.J. Simpson’s
mega-’fro in Naked Gun 33 1/3. Don’t know if the movie is any good.
Steven Seagal’s new one, On Deadly Ground, is action packed. Co-star
Joan Chen just runs through the whole movie. Why is everybody
representin’? “Whoomp There It Is” is the first rap single to sell four
million. What’s a “Dunkie Butt”? I think Lindsey’s got one. (I don’t
think he reads this column. Then again, these steroids my doc has me on
are givin’ me a dunkie gut.) Spinderella’s rappin’ now with Salt-N-Pepa
on the ESPN sports awards. I tried to catch the East/West boat at Gavin
(heard it was good... cold), but the date on the invite was wrong. Check
out their rowdy new group called Whale. How large is Bobbito? Does he
know Sadiki?


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #31 (June 1994)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

Celebrity watch at Impact in Atlantic City went a little something like
this: Nikki D, Heavy D, Lisa Cortez (Polygram big wheel), Ced G, b-boy
Waxmaster Torey, Criminal Element (fresh outta Rahway), Shan, J Star,
Hank Shocklee, who says he doesn’t own a cassette player, Philly’s Cash
Money, and Charlie Mack. Outside my hotel room door: Awesome 2,
Vanilla’s A&R Dave G, some dude at Caesar’s who looked like Al Capone’s
brother and the coolest entertainer in Hip-Hop, Doug E. Fresh. At the
Source awards in the Paramount/Madison Square Garden, NYC, somebody
supposedly pulled the plug on the Rocksteady DJs, which pissed off Crazy
Legs. My favorite appearance was from DJ Hollywood, who is, of course,
an old school MC from NYC. It was obvious NYC loves their Wu-Tang! I
reunited with two O.G. mentors who got me into this bullsh*t biz—Tommy
Boy’s Tom and Monica, currently operating the best run rap label. The
few brave West Coast artists who showed got booed, but so did some
Easterners. Second hand info has it that after I left 2Pac bumrushed the
Quest acceptance and then dissed the East Coast. Luke ripped.

Some thoughts:
1. Liked the naked Dre and Ed Hot 97 poster.
2. 2Pac and Daz get the “buster” awards.
3. Hardly any nominees showed up.
4. $50 couldn’t see shit.
5. Paramount kinda sucked.
6. Wu-Tang wins.
7. KRS has lyrics and is the best battler Hip-Hop has ever had.
8. LL Cool J and Fresh Prince got hearty boos.
9. Valiant effort, good luck next year.
10. Can someone hook me up with a video tape.

Father MC was doin’ a show at the Quality Inn on the NJ side of the
Holland Tunnel. Saw Inkwell with a rowdy Time Square audience. Lorenz
Tate is gettin’ large. Jason Ricks eased on by in a Caddy. Up in the
Bronx, where the people are fresh... Talked to Cliff from Thump Records
who said they’ll be puttin’ out Old School #2 and a classic compilation.
Saw a “Howe High” TV pilot here at Disney with Jessica Haughn as a
teacher. Was also chillin’ with Branford Marsalis and Jay Leno the other
night at the “Tonight Show” down the street. Prince the Symbol ripped
four new jams on “Soul Train.” But he still doesn’t have the most
beautiful girl in the world ’cause I do. Kutmasta Kurt is workin’ with
Kool Keith. Late b-day shout to my man Q-Tip, April 10. Melle Mel, May
15. Thanks to Ann K for Whale “Hobo Humpin’ Slobo Babe” (East/West). The
infamous “O.Q.Q.” (one quick question), rap publicist Shelli A. of
Hollywood Records, is now available for other fonkaay employment

Arrested Development’s next album is Zingalamaduni (EMI). Salt ’N Pepa
and Darryl Brooks from Idolmakers just walked by my door towards Caravan
Pictures. And correction, they’re casting a sitcom. Where’s Hurb? Marge
Simpson is an undercover b-girl. She had a baseball hat on backwards on
her tower of blue hair. “Lowrider” by War, the original hittin’ switches
video, is currently airing on the Box. Anotha Level say anything like,
“Eek ock oak ock ock” (Priority), produced by Cube. Fans of US3 should
check G Love and Special Sauce Blues Music (Okeh/Sony). Also, Groove
Collective (Reprise). A couple new Hip-Hop spots across the nation
sound cool: My Brother’s Keeper (teen spot) in Atlanta and the Hip-Hop
Coffee Shop in Houston. The ninth annual player awards honoring Isaac
Hayes happened April 13 at the Peabody in Memphis. Just got some Curtis
Mayfield’s greatest hits on a solicitation tape from Warner Brothers.
There’s some classic pimps and players in Snoop’s “Doggy Dogg World”
video. Quest snagged a high post Sprite commercial.

Saw Surviving the Game at the Chinese theater. The second good script
Ice T’s gotten. Out front on Hollywood Blvd. was a family of clowns—mom,
dad, and two baby clowns in strollers. Did ya know it’s the sixty-fourth
anniversary of the Twinkie? Got a flyer “featuring the vocal stylings of
Mike N.” (Huh?) Heard Tuffy of NYC’s legendary Video Music Box sings
before Nets games. Dave Paul sent me volumes one and two of the DNA show
video from Gavin. I think it’s for sale through the Bomb. I liked Raw
Soul and of course Schoolly kickin’ the classics! Rocksteady—I’ll say it
again—Q-Bert is a B.M.F., ’specially with the CU hat on. So is
freestylin’ Supernatural—imitating Snoop and Dre—and low-ridin’,
Kangol-sportin’ DJ 8-Ball teamin’ up now! DP also sent out a compilation
audio cassette. Pete Frampton is trying to make a comeback with a
receding hairline. Well, if Meatloaf can do it... and Cheap Trick. Right
now I’m tryin’ to figure out who sent me the box of KMD with the
controversial single artwork from Elektra (Fred?). Still need one of
them shirts like Tim II got... and Money B stole. He’s upstairs watchin’
“Wattstax” in the screening room. The Barkays and Rufus Thomas (funky
chicken) get busy. It’s hosted by Richard Pryor and Isaac (Ted Lange)
from “Love Boat.” Anybody out in Bomb land got the video I can borrow?
I’ll let ya hold some of the BASIC Darlene photo shoot hostage. Why you
wear glasses, so I can see...


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #35 (November 1994)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

Gotta maintain. For those of you who really know me, here’s another
installment - Funken recovery #10. Kinda like the recent Chicago Hope
brain surgery episode. Thanks for the support to Michael Eisner, The E,
Tim II, Jeff, Bob & Charlie, Tom, Monica, Pam, Kevin, Rosie & Marion,
and of course Zeus.

Gangsta Limp’s 5 Top Caning Wishes:
1. Dionne Warwick
2. MTV awards ho-st in red dress
3. Al Gore/ BC
4. Doug Llewellyn
5. John Tesh

What’s Ted “Goffer” Grandy doing as a Iowa Congressman? Did you see
Eddie the dog from Frazier bouncing to Atomic Dog for Cheetos. And
Skatemaster Tate at Woodstock? Our man Kutmasta Kurt is co-producing a
nice set of demos for Blabber outta Palo Alto. Bio by the
Yabba-Dabba-Dookey. Sue Kwon and her baby Kainoa get the large
Funken-thanks for the John Denver, yep, black lite poster and lifers
photos. My main man “Bigga” Dre from MTV says he was filming a
commercial and crashed his jet ski. He was also sportin the Colorado
Rockies hat on the MTV Awards. Baka Boys have done a take off on Dre &
Ed’s naked promo poster. Baka Boys poster says “2 Fat Mexicanz.” It’s
for Power 106 in L.A. and is located on the 5 freeway. Heard there’s a
new Hard Rock Cafe in China. Always good to hear from Daddy O and Aasim
who are sendin out the new Stet.

Highlights of this year’s L.A. Fair
$12.00 Old School Adidas
Fried artichoke hearts, yum!
New Hi-Roller ride, hurl!
Double Bungee for $69.00

Haiti, we’re coming, no we’re not, yes we are... So Bill, are we or
not, or should I ask Jimmy? A new product Hemorrid is designed for
female hemorrhoids. Bronco’s lost 48-16 to the Raiders. Bronco’s had
their 75th anniversary helmet with smashed Bronco logo... gave me
‘rhoids. Doom-dee, Doom Dee, Sonic Boom DOOM-DEE DOOM... residence of
L.A. homes heard a loud boom the other day which turned out to be the
Space Shuttle landing in the nearby dessert, and really did not pay much
attention. A 17-foot Great White was caught at Santa Monica Beach.
The worst name combination would be pitcher Oral and football player
Dick Buttkiss. There was a lady and her fetus in the L.A. Freeway
Carpool Lane claiming two passengers??

English bulldog Jinx is on the new ABC sitcom “On Our Own.” If you’re
in San Diego checkin for Shamu like I was awhile ago, check out the
Fabulous Inn. Quite Fabulous! The new Digable Planets video remix
features Jazzy Joyce and Brooklyn’s Paridise (Latin Quarters, X-Clan).
Saw Eazy E at Knott’s Berry Farm’s famous chicken restaurant. If you’re
in need of a smooth but stationary ‘65 Lincoln with suicide doors for a
video call Funk. You know, I can’t believe it’s not “BUTTER.” I hate
that expression!

Best new sh*t:
Green Day
Boogie Monsters
Crustified Dibbs
Hip Hop Jazz Tape ($3.99 McDonalds with Happy Meal)


Bomb Hip-Hop Magazine #36 (December 94/January 1995)
Gangsta Limpin
by Funken-Klein

Booty call. 4:30 a.m. and I’m sleepless in Burbank, waiting for the
Flinstones to come on cable in a hour. Insomnia city. Election ‘94, if
you win the gubenatorial race does that make you a goober? My running
mate predictions in ‘96 would be Bob Barker and George Foreman.

I made some purchases this weekend. Retail: Old School Volumes 2 & 3,
Woodstock 2 for $30.00, Sade, and two George Clinton Collections. Garage
Sale: Boston, J. Geils Band, Earth Wind & Fire, ZZ Top, and Led
Zeppelin. Video: Speed, Muppet Theatre, Cool Runnings, The Gods Must Be
Crazy, and Nightmare Before Christmas.

Good to see Dana Dane back with Record Jock on Maverick. Got a record
on a label called Fugitive Pope Records outta Malibu. The Pope himself
just cut a new CD. Bootsy appears in the Lench Mob’s kdee video, and I
think I saw Solid Productions Willer in Ice Cube’s new video. Must of
been picking up Gold Records. Oh yes they call it the streak... look at
that, look at that, the straek is back. Don’t anybody tell Lindsey. LA
gangs were recently caught stock piling surface-to-air missiles. Steve
Austin the six million dollar man and the bionic woman just got married
- bionic ever after. OG japanese rapper ECD just sent out his new one
called “Fuck Tomorrow” on Major Force Records with promo 45s. A quick
what up to Cookiehead from Flavor in Seattle. I wonder if she’s down
with Frazier? Also what up to the cast of All American Girl, Jon and
Emilio, Shadow and Arthur the Brazilian Scribe. I am still looking for a
copy of that Russian marching band who did a unique cover of “Sweet Home
Alabama”on the MTV Awards. Speaking of Russia there’s a town that just
paid tribute to Lennon and Marx on stamps - John and Groucho. When does
Shaq have time to play basketball? Great title - “Biological Didn’t
Bother” (Jive). Hammer just did something with Neon Deion (Jive). Milk
and Adrock are together on white vinyl (American) and I got these dookey
5 lb. Christmas candy canes from K-Mart. What’s up with sunflowers on
just about all the tv shows? I even got some sunflower cereal called Sun
Crunchers. Earth Wind & Fire are in rehearsals for an upcoming tour. But
Maurice won’t be there. Prince Charles was kickin’ it in South Central
on his recent trip to the US. One of my new favorite west coast jams is
Dru Down’s “Mack of the Year.” Money B is involved with a new basketball
rap project on Jive. Heard Seinfield makes $1,300/ second. Hollywood has
the new Keenen Ivory Wayans soundtrack for “Low Down Dirty Shame.”
Featured artists include Zhane, Silk, and Organized Konfusion. Did you
see the San Antonio Spurs fans caught in the fire sprinkler waterfall?
Greenbay Packer fans are sportin cheese hats. I need one. Also old
copies of the Fat Albert cartoons. Some girl named Sandra Gillette has a
hit called “Short Short Man” (Zoo). Why is Gladys Knight pumpin Aunt
Jemima? Stockon California may soon be legally packin. “Larry Parker got
me 2.1 million and man am I enjoying it.” Big get well to the E. and go
back to sleep. Mama joke of the week: your mama is so fat she got
baptised at Sea World. You can hang up now Al, thanks.